Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
