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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.